Tim's post breakup play list.

Here's my post breakup play list.The songs are in no order of importance.

The Stereo - Pay No Attention

The Stereo were one of my favorite bands. They are one of the few bands that I loved the first time I heard them. Pay No attention, the second track from their final album is a song I can listen to over and over again when I am trying to get over a girl. For me once I hear the first few lines "it's that kind of thinking baby / that gets me in trouble / quit talking to me now baby / i just want be left alone / it's so simple for you to / move into my world and break it /well i can't take it" I'm ready to start the healing process.

Kayne West - Heartless

Say what you will about Kayne I still consider him to be one the greatest voices for guys like me. There has never been an better example of this in the form of the song Heartless. Besides Childish Gambino there aren't many hip hop artists in that age group who would dare write a song about being treated poorly by an ex and the lasting effects post breakup. It's much easier to say fuck that bitch, etc. It takes a real man to be real with his feelings. Also as a side note buy Camp by Childish Gambino

Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

Every time I hear the lines "I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake." I get goosebumps. To this day I don't know why but this song touches me to my very soul.

69 Charger (USA) - Maria

I debated about admitting to listening to this song in this blog. If you don't know but, I wrote the song. I'll never forget the day that I wrote the song. I was in my early 20's and I was at home and 69 Charger (at the time What Happened to All the 69 Chargers) had been in existence for about a year. Our set was mainly cover songs (including a non reggae version of "Bad Boys") and a few silly songs that I had written. I was hanging out with my drummer and a girl he was dating at my house. They were in my guestroom and I was in my bedroom with my acoustic guitar a notepad and a pen. At that time I had never felt more alone in my life. I sat in my chair and spent 5 minutes writing would would become my greatest hit. If I knew you from 1999-2002 somewhere you have a copy of that song on a cd in your house. Over the years my songwriting and guitar playing have improved 1000X, but Maria is still one of my favorite songs that I have ever written.

Alien Ant Farm - Movies

Alien Ant Farm is one of those bands that I only like one of their songs and it's not their one hit. Again this is one of those songs that a couple of lines sold it for me "I want you to be free / Don't worry about me" If you have ever been in a relationship in which you knew the person was better off with out you, then check this song out.

Orangetree - Miserable

In a just world Joe Baker would be a house hold name. This song is written on a basic premise. When you get dumped you really don't want to see the person who dumped you to be happy. If I am being dumped I don't want that to be an easy decision. I want there to be thought, worry, and trepidation. The next time I get dumped I and I am being checked on by my next future ex girlfriend, I am going to just say the chorus to Miserable "Why can't you be miserable like me and then I'd let it all go and I'd leave you alone"

Fishbone - Lyin Ass Bitch

I don't think I need to explain this.

Edna's Goldfish - Sunrise to Sunset

The first time I saw Edna's goldfish was in the late nineties. They were supposed to play the Hi Pointe, but the booker moved the show to the Galaxy. This show was lost in the shuffle. There were about 6 people at the show and 3 of those people came with me. An opening band wasn't even booked, instead the Less Than Jake album "Losing Steak" was played in it's entirety (twice). This is a song that makes me really sad and causes a lot of self reflection, but as Anthony Rapp once said "You can't get over something until you go through it"

Rent soundtrack - Goodbye Love.

Speaking of Rent, this is a song about what happens in a relationship in which the going gets tough and the tough literally gets going. It's easy to be in a relationship when everything is perfect, but can you be ride or die? I'm ride or die and that's what I am looking in all my relationships (dating, friendship, etc)

DMX - Ruff Ryders Anthem

Sometimes, I am very bitter after a breakup and I need to stay angry.

Whole Wheat Bread - Miss Perfection

This is my favorite Whole Wheat Bread song. You know you are in for a ride when a song starts "I think you're full of bullshit / When you say that I bring you down" Sometimes you got to call a spade a spade. The fact is not every woman s looking out for you and will blame you when it's not your fault at all.

Mos Def - Beef

This song grounds me. This is the song that reminds me that no matter what bullshit is happening there are real people out there with real problems greater than than mine.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

So "Bluidrn" checked out my profile and I looked at her profile. Please check out the last line in her profile. She's either full of shit or she thought that I was very, very, very tan.

Sometimes, you have to take a direct approach.

If he ever knew what was going to happen to; he knew eventually that it would never be.

Every now and then when I am on an online dating site, I see ghost. I see the ghosts of relationships past. By ghosts of course I mean I see the profile of a woman I used to date. Sometimes I find myself wondering what they are up to and I wonder if there was anything differently I could to have made the it work. Other times I think “Good, I’m glad that you are alone. You deserve loneliness, you’re a bad person.” More often than not it’s the former and not the latter. I explained this to a friend and she expressed a lot of concern for me. She rattled off some stuff about being too sensitive and not letting go, after she was done talking I thanked for her input; which is just a nice way of me saying “Yeah, I am going do to whatever I want to do. I just didn’t want to interrupt you and have you to start all over”. The funny thing is for some unknown reason I have been concerned about what others think of me.

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend and she said something that hurt my feelings and I let her know that was the case. Her response was that she doesn’t think it’s possible for me to have my feelings hurt. I assured that it does happen and it happens very easily. She said she didn’t believe me because she never saw it, because I tend to be robotic and never show emotion. I let her know that seeing something isn’t a requirement for something happening.

Last night I was having a text exchange with a friend and it went exactly like this:

“Are you mad?”
“No why?”
“IDK…Just wondering. I just assume you are mad a lot. Because you used to be. But not so much anymore.”
“Is that so bad?”
“It’s not bad at all. Just trying to adjust my mindset. So Pardon my paranoia at times. I’m actually proud of u.”
“Because I’ve turned into a zombie?”
“Not a zombie, but a less reactive Tim.”

It’s very weird over the course of the weekend I was told I was hypertensive, not sensitive enough, and a raging lunatic (At one point, but not anymore). Maybe they are all right, maybe they are all wrong. Who am I to decide what others think of me? People are going to think what they want. That’s what makes life both wonderful and challenging; that we are allowed to see things different. Here’s the deal though. As long as I can look myself in the mirror every day and feel at least decent about myself, then I am good.

99 Problems

I have had a lot going on in the last 9 months. I got hit by an armored truck, I became an uncle for the first time when my sister gave birth to a boy in September (apparently he was ultra excited to be born since he was due in December), I had a cousin who even though she is less than 18 months older than me became the first of the cousins to lose a spouse, my mom had a heart attack, and most recently I had a younger cousin who was murdered. Things aren’t all bad; after 6 month my nephew, is thisclose to finally leaving the NICU and coming home.

Anyone or two of these events would pretty much shatter anyone’s world and to be honest I have felt crushed by all of this stuff going on a few times. I sometimes feel like I have reached my breaking point. I would have gone crazy if not for all the mad love and support my friends have shown to me. In the past I have struggled with thinking if anyone cared about me. I have lost a lot of friends very easily and I have easily cut people out of my life just because it seemed they were going to do it first.

I keep getting asked when I am going to return to consistently posting on my blog. For that I don't have an answer I am sorry. I have learned that a lot of you like reading my blog because I come off as a emotionless robot and you enjoy seeing my human side. I also know that a lot of you like the way I tell a story. So I promise that I will write more, but only when I feel like I have something important to say. With all the serious shit I have going on in my life, I can't dedicated much time to talk about how I have been hurt in the past. I have had some major shake ups recently and it's caused me to think. You only get one life (unless you are Shirley Maclaine) so you really need to make sure you appreciate the people in it who are worth it.

Guess what I'm thinking. It's not what you're thinking.

I once had a conversation with a friend in which she said to me “Tim, you have this unique ability to be extremely pessimistic and optimistic at the same time when you start dating someone new” My only response to her was “Well, can you blame me with my track record?” After a bit of silence her only response was “Nope”.

I am not going to deny that whenever I connect with a new woman I am very cautious. The more things seem to work the more pessimistic I get. It’s not uncommon for me to tell a friend “I been hanging out with this new girl; she’s funny, smart, cute. She’s really into me. I can’t wait to see how this gets screwed up.” I am the first to admit that I am pretty jaded when it comes to dating.

Dating is one of the few parts of your life in which you can be happy and get everything you ever wanted and that’s an issue. I think it’s weird when I hear “Tim I like you are lot and that kind of freaks me out” Like if this was said in regards to anything but dating any rational person would say “Um, what’s the problem? Seems like things are working in your favor…jerk.” but for years we have allowed this to get a pass.

Over the years I have decided that I hate dating but love relationships. I find myself at times wishing I had a time machine so I could fast forward 4-8 weeks to see if it’s worth me putting any real effort into the woman. I know that sounds very glib and sad, but honestly I don’t care.

Sometimes I think that I am being punished for bad dating Karma from when I was younger. I wasn’t always the best dater/boyfriend in my teens-twenties. I have tried to make amends to those I hurt, but I guess doing that isn’t enough. The only thing I can do is try to continue being the best dater/boyfriend I can be going forward…..or build a time machine.

Merry Christmas From the Snowman